I am officially down to one (1) cup of coffee a day.
Those of you who know me know that I love coffee. Like, I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE coffee. To the point where I’m an obsessive snob about it. To the point where I didn’t blink at brewing a fresh French press full at 8pm. To the point where the caffeine was precipitating panic attacks and a heart arrhythmia.
About a month ago, my friends Cap and Sean intervened, and basically told me I would be a better, healthier version of myself if I cut down on the excessive coffee consumption.
I realized — I had come to think of coffee not just as a delicious hot beverage… but as a CRUTCH.
I was brewing coffee at 8pm not just because it is a rich and flavorful cozy drink, but because I had started doing livestreams on Facebook, and having a cup of coffee in my hand was reassuring.
“I think better with coffee,” I had convinced myself. “I’m smarter with coffee.” And eventually, “I’m not smart without coffee,” and, “I can’t do this without coffee.”
I noticed this in my writing, too — if I didn’t have coffee, I “couldn’t” write, and I “couldn’t” be held responsible for writing that day.
I know a lot of people think it’s cute that writers, creators, and many other humans love and need coffee. And it kind of is. It’s fun to joke and say things like, “There’s too much blood in my coffee stream!”
But something was WRONG. Coffee wasn’t just an invigorating flavor experience — it had become a scapegoat.
Again, it sounds funny or melodramatic saying this, because coffee’s not exactly black tar heroin, BUT I had convinced myself I was not a whole or valid person without coffee.
The problem was not the coffee. (Well, okay, the problem was partially the coffee. Like, the heart arrhythmia and the panic attacks.) The problem was that I WAS TERRIFIED.
The problem was that I didn’t think I could do anything good on my own, without help from a crutch.
This realization shocked me. It was not in line with the person I wanted to be or become. I told Sean and Cap that day that I was going to restrict myself to one cup per day.
It’s been a month and I haven’t looked back.
What’s your crutch?
Words & warmth,
Sarah
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