This is The Write Now Podcast with Sarah Werner, Episode 075: What Are You Afraid Of?

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Welcome to Write Now, the podcast that helps aspiring writers and all writers to find the time, energy and courage you need to pursue your passion and write every day. I’m your host, Sarah Werner. And today’s topic came from a conversation I had earlier this week. So, some of you may know, and I don’t know if I’ve talked about this on the show or not before, because my memory is not fantastic. Some of you may know that I am a member of a mastermind group. This is in addition to the other writers groups and things that I am a part of. A mastermind group is peer mentoring in a way. So, it’s a very small intimate group. Mine is currently four people, and we meet every other week in the mornings before work. And we bring a problem to the table that we need help solving.

Each person gets 15 minutes to be in the hot seat. And basically we ask each other hard questions, we challenge each other, it’s really a no holds barred tough love, but also very loving place to deal with problems that you’re struggling with. This is again, a group of peers, people I admire, people who are in the place where I am or I want to be, and we just mentor each other. Maybe I should do an episode at some point about forming your own mastermind group, because I have found them extremely valuable. I’ve belonged to a couple over the past, probably six or seven years. And this is how I get the courage, the bravery, to do hard things like leave my job and start a podcast, write a book. So I was sitting in my mastermind group and I was saying, hey, I think I’m sleeping too much.

And I knew this was something I needed to talk about. Usually that’s not the type of problem that I talk about. Usually it’s like, oh, I need to get more core sales. Could you guys look over this email sequence and let me know if I need to make any changes or what you think needs to go here, and we will workshop stuff. But this time I had had a, I don’t want to say a tough holiday season. I’m an introvert, like many of you, and the holidays had just rolled around, and I spent most days with lots of people. And they’re people I love, but it’s still hard to be around a lot of people and to feel like I need to perform, or in some way appease everyone. And so, I was like, I think I’m tired and I’m sleeping a lot because I’ve been wearing myself out a little bit. I’ve been a little bit overstimulated with all the people and all of the goings on, I miss my own family.

And one of the women in my mastermind group looked at me and she said, “Really, is that really it?” And again, she said this with love. She’s like, “Are you really tired?” And I was like, “Well, yes.” And then I thought about it, and I was like, well, you know what? I’m glad that you asked that. That’s an interesting question. Now that I think about it, I only get really tired when I sit down to write. I sit down to write and all of a sudden I just feel overwhelmed and exhausted. And it doesn’t matter what I’m writing, if it’s work for a client, if it is work for myself, if it is season two of Girl In Space, if it is even my journal, I would sit down with my journal and a pen in my hand and just feel this overwhelming sense of exhaustion, like deep in my bones. And this wonderful and amazing young woman, her name is Chelsea. She asked me, “What are you avoiding?” And I was like, oh, I had not thought about it this way. What was I avoiding?

And I started thinking about it. The obvious answer is I was avoiding writing. But I wanted to go deeper than that. I wanted to understand what my brain was doing. Because a lot of the time our brains do things without our permission or our consent. Like our brains will just decide unconsciously that they’re going to feel a certain way or make us act in a certain way or do a certain thing, and often we don’t have control over that. And so, what was I avoiding? I was avoiding writing because… And I started to make a list. Because I couldn’t decide what to work on. I have so many projects right now that I got a little bit paralyzed at the thought of starting one and not the other three items that I need to do. I was avoiding committing to working on Girl In Space, season two.

I told these two things to Chelsea and she looked at me. She’s so wise. I hope you have wise people in your life. I hope you have people in your life who know things that you don’t know and who are smarter than you. Always surround yourself with people who know things that you don’t know and who are smarter than you, because this is how you learn and grow. She asked me, “Okay, are both of those an option? Avoiding deciding what to work on, avoiding committing to one thing.” And I said, “Oh yeah, both of those are absolutely true.” She’s like, “What is at the core of this?” And I was like, “Well, I guess maybe I’m afraid that I’m wasting my time or that I might accidentally waste my time.” And she looked at me with that wisdom and she said, “Well, aren’t you wasting your time sleeping?” And I was like, boom, oh, I love being called out.

I love when people can tell me truths that I am blind to. I don’t know why I love that. I don’t know if it’s because I love learning or because I really value other people and their insight. I don’t know what it is. But I was like, oh my gosh, yes, I am. By choosing to sleep, by choosing to hide instead of taking action, making a decision. Yeah. I’m wasting my time. And then she said, “I have some homework for you.” And I said, “Okay.” Because I’m a dork and I love homework. And she said, “I want you to think about, what are you afraid of? Because avoiding committing to a project to work on, fear of committing to a project and wasting time, that’s fear. What are you afraid of?” So then I started to make another list.

I began making a list of all of the things that I am afraid of. And this is a homework assignment that I want you to do as well, not because I want you to get overwhelmed by all of the scary things in the world, but because I want you to start understanding yourself and your fears. Because these fears often take the wheel of our brains. And those fears are often responsible for those unconscious decisions that we make. The exhaustion that I felt when I sat down to write, that was fear disguising itself. And it was making me sabotage myself. That’s a phrase that I think a lot of writers are familiar with, self sabotage, that is driven by fear. So I want you to start understanding what it is you’re afraid of. And when you start making your list, chances are, you’ll have more than one thing on that list. Because I did.

Or maybe you’re just scared of one thing and that’s okay too. But it’s okay if you have more than one on your list. So here are some of the fears that I listed, the fear that I’m wasting my time, the fear that once I write something it won’t be good enough, and I’ll have to redo it all. There’s the fear that I will get in over my head again. So, I’ve been chronicling the creation of Girl In Space throughout the Write Now podcasts. So if you go back and listen to some older episodes, you can hear me talking about season one of Girl In Space. And if this is your first episode of the Write Now podcasts that you’re listening to, Girl In Space is another podcast that I create. It’s a fictional audio drama. So it’s a story that I tell via podcast. And it’s the story of a girl in space… so it’s sci-fi, if that’s your thing.

When I wrote season one, I got in over my head. And it was so hard. It was fun, and at the end I had something I was proud of, but it was so hard. Because I was kind of figuring it out as I went along, I had bitten off more than I could chew with the sound design. And again, I’m glad I did it. It was a great challenge, but I got in over my head. The season finale took me eight months to create. And the prospect of going through that again for season two is really hard to think about. So I am going to make season two. I’m just going to make it in a different way than I made season one, because I learned a lot. But fear that I’ll get in over my head all over again and go through that is very strong for me.

Then there’s fear that I’ll commit to the wrong thing. So I’ll be working on the wrong thing. Fear that I’m not actually that good. Maybe you felt that one before. I think that’s a very common one. The fear that I’m not actually that good. Maybe that season one of Girl In Space was a fluke, that I won’t be able to recreate the magic. Fear of being seen and judged. This is one that has diminished for me a little bit. So it’s still made the list, but this is one that having put myself out there with season one of Girl In Space and received one star reviews and criticism and all of that stuff, you get used to it after a while being seen and being judged. And you start to realize that other people’s opinion of you, A, doesn’t really matter that much, and B, even if it does, it can’t define you or change who you are.

So, that one I’ve gotten over a little bit, but it’s still made the list. After that, was the fear that I only had one good idea and that I would never have another good idea again. So, that’s fun. Here comes some weird ones. So, I started listening on all these fears. I don’t know how many that is that I just listed, but then I started getting into the weird fears, fear that I will enjoy myself. How does that sound to you? It’s a little messed up maybe? I think that comes from a lack of self worth, a lack of feeling that I deserve to have fun in my work. I mean, you can just go down these rabbit holes forever. But for now, we’re just writing down the fears. So, fear that I’ll enjoy myself, fear that I will feel emotions I’m not ready to feel and that’s a heavy one. Do you ever have that? You start writing and you just tap into this well of experience or emotion and it brings back things that you are not ready to process, or you are not in a good place to process.

I’ve had that happen a number of times and I’ve built up a wall against it, I think. To the point where if I start approaching a subject that has some emotional resonance for me, I’ll back off really quickly. And I won’t write through it, I won’t process it. Because deep in my heart, I’m afraid of bringing back those negative emotions. So fear of feeling emotions. Then there’s the fear that what I create won’t live up to people’s expectations, the fear that what I’ll create won’t conform to norms and rules. Do you ever worry about that? Are you ever afraid that, oh, I’m not following a traditional three act or five act structure, or I’m breaking this rule and I’m afraid that I’ll get called out on it, or people will think I’m ignorant or people won’t like it. Or my book won’t sell because I’m doing something very non-conventional.

Here’s another weird one for you. And you know what? I shouldn’t be labeling these as weird. That’s very judgmental of me. They just feel like things that aren’t normally talked about as fears. But what about the fear of success? I never see anyone talking about the fear of success and yet I see it tear down so many writers. The fear of success. I mean, logically, we shouldn’t be afraid of that, right? We should all welcome success, right? That’s what we all want. We all want to be successful writers. But what does success bring with it? Change maybe? Being seen, being judged, being criticized, change in financial status that we might not be ready for. That we can’t comprehend. I’ve seen so many writers sabotage themselves out of a fear of success. It’s a legitimate fear. And actually I want to do a separate Write Now episode specifically about the fear of success, because there’s a lot to talk about on that subject. But suffice to say for now, fear of success is on my list.

Finally, at the end of my list of fears, I think there’s more than a dozen at this point. At the end of my list of fears, I wrote, I am afraid that if I stop challenging myself, I will start to atrophy. Now, does that feel a little, what’s the word, redundant, I guess? Or oxymoronic? I don’t know what the right word is for this. It feels a little silly because I’m not challenging myself now, when I decide to go lay in bed and sleep, and numb myself with sleep instead of writing, yeah, of course, I’m not challenging myself. I’m hiding. And of course, I’m going to atrophy if I hide. Hiding in bed and sleeping, which again, is how I self-medicate, it’s how I avoid problems and fears, by sleeping. I’m a very well rested person. That’s fear. That’s self sabotage. I am keeping myself from writing.

So what are you afraid of? Regret? Are you afraid that you’ll reach the end of your life and not have anything to show for it? Are you afraid of dying? One of my biggest driving fears is that I won’t have time to do everything I want to do before I die. That terrifies me. I have so much that I want to do with my life. And I bet you do too. But when I go and I lay down under the covers and I hide and I fall asleep, is that going to bring me any closer to getting stuff done that I want to do? No. There’s a saying that, everything you want is on the other side of fear. But we never talk about what’s on the other side of fear. What is it? I worked with a therapist early in 2019. And it was an amazing experience, and I learned a lot about myself. Part of what I learned is that there is a spectrum, on one side of the spectrum is fear and scarcity. And on the other side of the spectrum is love and abundance.

So what would happen if we let ourselves slide a little bit closer to love, a little bit further away from fear. And that’s the big question really, is, once we identify and acknowledge these fears, what do we do with them? What do we do about them? I see all sorts of motivational posters and imagery on Instagram and Pinterest and in real life, I guess the internet is real life, but that’s neither here nor there, about kicking fear in the face or punching fear in the face and getting rid of your fears and overcoming fear. I’ve talked about fear on this show before, and I don’t know if we’re really supposed to punch fear in the face. I mean, other than the fact that it’s like not physically possible, because fear is not tangible. But I don’t think we can get rid of fear.

Again, this is something that I talked about at length with my therapist. And I asked her the same question. What are we supposed to do with fear, if I can’t get rid of it, or can I get rid of it? And she told me, fear is a natural part of the emotional spectrum. And in fact, fear is a survival response. It’s an instinct. It’s there to keep us safe. Fear of pain, fear of getting mauled by a tiger. That’s what keeps us from jumping into the tiger pit or running out into the street or letting our children run out into the street. Fear keeps us safe. So I said, okay, that makes it even harder to understand what I’m supposed to do with this. Because I feel like there are good fears and bad fears. And she says, well, you need to acknowledge your fear, acknowledge that they exist.

Call them out like we just did in our list. Thank your fears for keeping you safe, they’re just doing their job. Thank you fear for keeping me safe. And take them out of the driver’s seat. When I look at my notebook or I look at my computer screen and I get so overwhelmed that I run into the bedroom and hide under the covers and fall asleep. That’s me letting fear drive the bus. Instead, acknowledge the fear. Say, thank you fear for keeping me safe or thinking that you’re keeping me safe, and gently put fear into the passenger seat. Don’t let fear drive. You are driving the bus, and in this metaphor the bus is you. Because if we let fear drive, if fear is what drives all of our actions, I mean, think about it. What would you do if you lived purely out of fear, would you get anything done? Would you create anything?

No. Fear stops us from creating. Fear sabotages us. Fear kills our dreams. Someone told me once that, facing your fears and doing what you love despite being afraid is bravery. Bravery is not the absence of fear, it’s acting in spite of the fear. What we need to understand is which fears are keeping us safe and which fears are keeping us stagnant. Which fears are keeping us safe and which fears are holding us back from creating and from finding success in what we create. I can’t answer this question for you because you’re going to have your own list of individual fears. But I want you to start thinking about those fears, what they mean, where they come from, why you have them and how they’ve been holding you back. I want you to think about how you can act in spite of them.

And I’m not going to lie. It’s going to be hard. I had a little bit of fear even before taking out my microphone this morning. I was like, I don’t think I have anything to say. I’m afraid I’ve said everything that I’ll ever have to say to my Write Now podcast audience. And that’s just not true. I have a lot to tell you. I have a lot to share with you. In that case, the fear wasn’t keeping me safe, fear wanted to keep me stagnant. So what are you afraid of? And how is it affecting your writing, your creativity, living out your dreams and finding success. And finally, how can we slide down the spectrum a little bit closer to love and abundance and a little bit further from fear and scarcity. If you’re comfortable doing so, I would love to hear what your different fears are. If they’re some of the ones that I’ve listed in today’s episode, that’s fantastic. If they’re ones that I haven’t listed, that’s also fantastic.

But I have a comment section in the show notes for each episode of the Write Now podcast. So this is episode 75. So if you navigate to my website, sarahwerner.com, and you find this episode of the Write Now podcast, and you scroll down to the very bottom of the show notes, you’ll see a comment section. I would love to get your feedback. I would love to hear what you’re thinking. You can also contact me via the contact form on my website. That’s sarahwerner.com. I’m really curious as to how you’re processing your own thoughts and fears as they relate to writing. I have as always several people to thank for helping make this episode of the Write Now podcast possible.

First and foremost, I would like to thank my patrons on Patreon. Patreon is a secure third party donation platform that lets you give a dollar per episode, $2 per episode, $700,000 per episode, whatever you feel each episode is worth to you. If you’re able to afford that, that’s fantastic. If not, you can always just tell other people about the Write Now podcasts, that’s really how we grow and find new listeners, is by word of mouth. The right now podcast is made possible by my beautiful and amazing supporters on Patreon, including Leslie Madsen, Amanda Dixon, Julian Vincent Thornburgh, Michael Beckwith, Selena Zhang, Maria Alejandro, Leslie Duncan, Gary Medina, and Rebecca Werner. I also want to do a shout out to Sean Locke, who has supported this show for years. So, thank you all of you so much for your generous donations.

Speaking of masterminds, I would like to thank my mastermind group and also let you know that one of the new tiers for patrons of, I think it’s $10 per episode or more, one of the benefits that you get as a patron of that tier is access to buy brand new writers mastermind group. It’s a different form of mastermind. So we don’t meet in person, but I have a Discord channel where we can talk about your writing struggles. And it’s just me and a few other people who are all there, who are all committed to helping you break through your barriers and finding success. I don’t want to say overcoming those fears, but making peace with your fears and writing despite them.

If that’s something you’re interested in, you can check out patreon.com/sarahrheawerner. That’s S-A-R-A-H R-H-E-A W-E-R-N-E-R, and look at the different tiers there for supporting the Write Now podcast. I will be speaking at Podfest coming up here in March 2020. So if you are anywhere near Orlando, Florida, I would love to connect with you at Podfest. Other than that, I’m dialing back the number of speaking gigs I’m doing in 2020. It’s part of what I want to do to keep myself from getting overwhelmed and burned out again this year. So, trying to take a little bit of better care of myself here in the new year.

So, that’s all I have for this episode of Write Now, the podcast that helps you as a writer and all writers to find the time, energy and courage you need to pursue your passion and write. I’ve been your host, Sarah Werner. And I will continue to be your host through this and other episodes of the Write Now podcast. I just want to thank you for listening, and please do your homework, list out those fears, understand what they are. Maybe even dive into where they come from. I think that’s going to be a really enriching journal activity for you if you’re willing to do it. If you’re not ready to do it yet, I think that’s okay too. But give it a try, let me know how it goes for you. And until next time, happy writing.

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