Expectation vs. Reality

“She hated her work, but would pursue it.”
— Charlotte Brontë, talking about her sister Anne.

I kind of hate how much I identify with this quote. Because it’s true whether you’re talking about the creative process or the creative product.

I love what I do — truly. Creating full-time has always been my dream. And I don’t want to sound like I’m taking it for granted when I admit that it’s often… complicated.

But it is.

I often talk about the days before I became a full-time creator, when I would wistfully scroll through Instagram posts of writers’ desks, adorned with whimsical baubles, beautifully lit and ready to receive inspiration, a perfect cup of coffee beside the journal or laptop.

I couldn’t wait to live that dream.

Expectation, meet reality.

I do get to sit at my own lovely desk now, with the baubles and the coffee bordering the empty page, but what *wasn’t* pictured in those Instagram posts was the frustration, struggle, hatred, bitterness, envy, anxiety, tears, and depression.

I’m not saying that creating full time is bad, or that you shouldn’t aspire to do it. Just that it’s hard. But… in a good way… if not always a fun way.

Creating something meaningful often comes with a struggle, which is how new thoughts and ideas and mindsets and breakthroughs are often birthed. I’m not saying the struggle is *necessary* to create great things — just that it has been an ingredient in my own creator’s journey that I never anticipated.

On any given day, I’ll feel the soaring euphoric high that comes from having created something you’re proud of. But I’ll also feel scared, lonely, vulnerable, and Not Enough™️. I’ll often hate my work and despair that I can’t create something as good as [insert masterpiece here].

But I’ve tried, and I can’t NOT create. I’m compelled to do it. I must do it. I was born to do it. And overall, I do love it.

I don’t have kids, but I imagine it’s a little like being a parent — there are days when you are consumed with love for your children, and then there are days when you want to drop-kick them into someone else’s yard.

I love what I do, *and* I must do it with compulsion and dogged determination, even (and especially) when it’s the last thing I want to do.

Words & warmth,

Sarah