Sarah Rhea Werner:

This is the Write Now Podcast with Sarah Werner. Episode 125. Procrastination. Welcome to Write Now. The podcast that helps all writers, aspiring, professional, and otherwise, to find the time, energy and courage you need to pursue your passion and write. I’m your host Sarah Werner, and it’s confession time. I am a lifelong procrastinator. This is one of those labels that I do not love, but I also cannot deny that it is true. Just real quick, procrastination essentially means putting something off. It means delaying or postponing something and leaving it for later.

Maybe this is a word or a label that you are also familiar with. Maybe you have a habit of putting things off until later. For a number of reasons. I’m also going to talk about another word that I’ve been labeled with, and often goes hand in hand with procrastination. And that word is lazy.

And I know for a lot of us these are very loaded words. Every time someone calls me lazy or suggests, or insinuates that I am lazy I start developing this twitch. I really don’t like it. Something in my stomach just crumples up and I cringe. But I also feel like I really can’t argue against it, because to some degree, to a large degree I feel like it’s true.

I am a procrastinator, I am, you can tell by when I turn in my work, and when I produce things. Even this episode is late. Was I very ironically procrastinating about my episode on procrastination? Yes. Do I feel deep down inside like a fundamentally lazy person? Yes, I do. I’m not saying this so you can be like, “Oh Sarah, you’re not lazy. Let me make you feel better. You do a lot of stuff. Blah, blah, blah.”

I’m not saying this to garner sympathy. I’m saying this because I want to talk about it. And I’m wondering if this is also something that you as a creative person deal with. Let’s dive together into the weird and messy world of procrastination and laziness. And let’s just see where it takes us.

I have been a procrastinator as long as I can functionally remember. I would put off doing my assignments or my homework, or my summer math worksheets until the last possible second, because there were so many other things I would rather be doing. For me, that was reading and writing. Now, I know that sounds a lot like the homework I was avoiding, but these were things that I actually wanted to read and write.

And if you’re not hearing it already, in the following discussion you’re going to hear a lot of insinuations about selfishness and entitlement as well. And selfishness and entitlement, I think are also deeply tied in with procrastination and laziness.

I invite you to set aside your judgment of me and also to set aside judgment of yourself as we move through this discussion. I know it’s really tempting to say something is good and something is bad, like me wanting to read what I wanted to read, and write what I wanted to write, instead of doing the reading and writing I was assigned, could be labeled morally wrong or morally bad, or inherently selfish. Or even entitled.

But the thing was, I did the work. I just did it at the very last second. And I did it well, because I was a perfectionist who thrived on other people’s affirmations. In order to feel like a worthwhile and valid person I needed to get good grades. And I did. I just put off the work until, again, the last possible second.

If you, like me, were or are a procrastinator I want you to think about why. Now, there might be a lot to unpack here, but throughout our conversation I want you to remember that there’s probably a reason that you put things off. For me, it came from a sense of dread. I dreaded doing homework and assigned tasks, because this homework and the assigned tasks were painful to me.

And I’ve only realized this very recently. But having to regurgitate information I had absorbed, or having to prove to someone else that I was smart, or that I understood a concept was extremely tedious to me. My brain did not want to stay in that place. My brain wanted to leap ahead and learn new things, and come up with new ideas.

And I understand that there’s a little bit of a paradox here. I didn’t want to learn what people taught me, but I did love to learn, and I didn’t want to read the books that other people gave me, but I did love to read. Is that entitled? Maybe. Is entitlement morally good or morally bad? I don’t know. I don’t think so. In terms of self-development, no. In terms of adhering to societal norms and structures, yeah.

But my point here is, I did the work and I did it well. I just did it at the last possible second. I later realized that putting things off to the last possible second gave me a very short time period, which gave me a very firm deadline. And that helped me focus. If I had all the time in the world to work on a project or an assignment I would dither about and sneak in the reading that I wanted to do, or sneak in the creative writing that I wanted to do. And it was really hard for me to focus, but if I put it off until however long before bedtime, I found that it sharpened my focus and I could say, “Okay. I’ve got 30 minutes to get this assignment done. Ready, set, go.”

And my perfectionism would kick in, and I would want to do a really good job on it. And that is how I existed from kindergarten all the way through college. The short amount of time, that short window of intense focus helped me to care and to produce my best work. I don’t know if this is something that you identify with, if you also identify with these feelings of dread and resistance, and resentment, and having to prove to someone else that you know or understand something.

That just always chaffed with me. It’s like, “I’m smart. I don’t want to have to prove to you that I’m smart. Leave me alone please. I just want to read my book, I just want to write my novel.” I still today, even when I hear the phrase, “Essay question.” I still shudder with horror and revulsion. I don’t know if you had to do these, probably. I feel like it was probably a pretty widespread thing.

But sometimes when you were taking a test or working on an assignment there would be a question and you had to respond, your answer had to be in the form of an essay. Now, that essay could be anywhere between one sentence and two sentences, or three sentences, or 10 sentences, or a certain number of paragraphs. But you had to expound upon the subject.

And whenever I was assigned essay questions part of me withered and died inside. I was using my writing, but I was not using it in the way that I wanted to use it. It was in my brain a waste of time, and a waste of writing energy. I shouldn’t tell you this, but I even wrote my 70 page honors thesis in college the day before it was due.

I had done some reading beforehand and made some notes about things I wanted to say, but I thrived on the sharpening of focus that I got as a deadline approached more and more closely. I pulled an all nighter, I drank tons of coffee, and I emerged triumphant.

And for better or for worse, fortunately or unfortunately, knocking on wood as I talk, I’ve never run into a situation where my procrastination has gone badly. Again, knocking on wood here. And maybe I deserve a punishment or a comeuppance. Maybe I really do deserve the title of procrastinator. Maybe I really do deserve that title of lazy.

But let’s talk a little bit more about what all of this means, because just as I found myself putting off or procrastinating work that I did not want to do, later in life I also found myself procrastinating or putting off creative work that I actually did want to do. And maybe you’ve found yourself doing this too.

Is it because we’re lazy? Is it because we feel like imposters? Is it because we feel we’re not blank enough, not good enough, not smart enough, not talented enough? Is it because we are wrestling with states of resistance? There’s a reason this episode is a week late. Again, hilariously, because it’s about procrastination.

And that is because every time I sat down to record, I didn’t think I had anything good enough, or smart enough, or insightful enough to say. And depression would take over, and wrap my brain in a cloud of apathy, and self-loathing. And I would tell myself, “Well, I still have other work I need to be doing. I run my own business, I have my state taxes to file, I have emails to answer, I have interviews to do. I have Girl In Space episodes to write. And even beyond work I have my daily workout to do. I have a doctor’s appointment to go to. I have to check my social media. I have this book I need to read before it’s due at the library. And I can’t possibly record this episode of Write Now Podcast until that mountain of obligations is out of the way.”

These are the things we tell ourselves. I’ve talked before on this show about fear, and I’ve talked on this show before about perfectionism. And I’ve also talked on this show before about resistance. And these three factors are all coming back in today’s episode as we talk about procrastination, because when we procrastinate things that we actually want, I think that comes from a place of fear.

And fear is also where resistance and perfectionism come from. Yes, even though, and I’m going to use Girl In Space as an example, even though I love Girl In Space, I love it. I had so much fun creating the first season. And I love my characters, and I love coming up with new adventures for them, and new problems for them to solve. And new evil forces for them to fight against.

I still procrastinate working on it. Even though it is physically painful for me to realize that season two should be out right now and it’s not yet. Why has it taken me so long? Why have I been so resistant to moving forward with it? Well, a lot of it has to do with fear.

When I sit down to write in the mornings and I look at my draft of the current episode I’m working on I get slammed with fear. And I’ve got it in my head for some reason that the first draft that I write has to be an immediate masterpiece. And I don’t always feel prepared first thing in the morning with my cup of coffee, to create masterpiece level work.

And so, I say, “Okay. Well, just to settle myself into the day I’m going to check my email.” And so, I check my email and I respond to some emails. And then I look back at my document and I think, “Well, I’m not quite ready yet. I’m afraid to get started, I’m afraid to dive in, I’m afraid it won’t go well, I’m afraid it won’t be good, I’m afraid that I’m not good, I’m afraid, I’m afraid, I’m afraid. And so, I’m just going to check social medial real quick, because that’s an important part of my business, that’s how I connect with my fans.”

You can hear me justifying it. Right? And then I scroll on Instagram and Twitter for the next hour. And then suddenly I bring myself back and I realize, “Oh crap, I’ve got to work on Girl In Space.” And by that time I’m hungry, and so I want breakfast. Or I realize that, “Oh, it’s time for my nine AM livestream with my Podcast Now students.” Or I realize, “Oh shoot, I have to meet someone for coffee in 20 minutes, or I have a doctor’s appointment, or my taxes are due.”

A million things will always come between us and our creative work. Another thing I want to say about this, and I got this from David duChemin, who I interviewed a couple of episodes ago. David is just such an encouraging and inspiring creator. And in his book A Beautiful Anarchy he talks about this thing that’s called our hard soul work.

When we write this is work that comes from our soul. And it’s hard. I released an episode a couple months ago called Is Writing Hard Work? And it’s episode 115, if you want to go back and listen to it. But yes, writing is hard work. It’s work that we love, but it’s hard. It requires us to dig deep down into our own experiences, our own psyche, our own trauma, our own experience and to pull out something that is meaningful enough to share with the world.

Not to mention writing can also be very tedious. It’s fun, and it’s good, and it’s meaningful, but it is also extremely hard work. I’m in the midst of reading a very good book right now. It’s called Laziness Does Not Exist and it’s by Devon Price Ph.D. I very highly recommend it. Again, I’m not done reading it yet, but even the first several chapters have been completely mind blowing for me.

I picked up this book from a recommendation by Amy McNee, who I adore. And I started reading it with a grain of salt. I was like, “Oh, this is just going to be justification for me to lie around and be completely worthless.” Because, of course, I equate my productivity to my worth as a human being, like many of us do.

And when I struggle with being productive, when I procrastinate, or when I see myself being lazy I think, “Oh, my self-worth is going lower, and lower, and lower. And I’m failing as a human being, and I am worth nothing.” But here’s something that’s really interesting. This is something that I realized while reading Dr. Price’s book.

When I was growing up, when I was putting off my homework until the very last minute before bedtime, when I was instead spending my time laying on the floor writing, or laying in my bed and reading, or sitting under a tree and brainstorming my next creative project. It looked like I was being lazy. Physically I was sitting still, I mean I was writing or turning pages, but in another sense, at least according to David duChemin, and according to any of you who have ever worked on something creative or written anything in your entire life, I was working. I was doing the hard soul work.

But to my parents or anyone else who came across me, there was Sarah again, being lazy. I was lazy Sarah. Lazy, lazy Sarah. And it stuck. And it hurt. And coming full circle, even today, whenever I have time to work on Girl In Space, or the Write Now Podcast, since these are things that I want to do, creative things where I’m not doing manual labor, I think of them as lazy. I think of them as fun. I think of them as the dessert.

And who am I to eat my dessert first? I have been taught, and we have been taught to devalue creative work as something fun or a hobby, because from the outside it doesn’t look like hard work. I get a little upset thinking about this now as an adult, because this has taught me to prioritize doing things that I dread, or doing things that make me miserable before I allow myself to work on the stuff that is my actual true calling and purpose in life.

And also, another harmful factor of this is, a lot of us, when we put our other hard work first, when we put our day job first, when we put keeping our house clean or digging weeds out of the garden, or washing the car, or any other millions and millions of things we need to do each day as human beings. When we put all those other things first, when we finally allow ourselves to work on our special treat, when we finally allow ourselves to eat our dessert, when we finally allow ourselves to work on our creative projects after procrastinating, we’re sometimes too exhausted or too burned out to work on them.

For months and months I would not allow myself to prioritize my creative work, even though I own my own business and I’m allowed to make those calls, I felt like indulging in writing Girl In Space, indulging myself in recording Write Now Podcast episodes was inherently lazy, because I needed to earn the fun work.

But finally, when seven PM and eight PM came around and I was finally ready to work on my creative stuff, I was exhausted. I had put in nine, 10, 11 hours of work and trying to squeeze meaningful, creative insights out of a brain that was completely fried was like trying to squeeze water out of a dry sponge.

Or as the analogy goes, “Trying to wring blood from a stone.” There’s just nothing left. We have so many reasons why we procrastinate, because writing is hard, because we’re burned out or overwhelmed, because we don’t feel like we’re worthy of it, or we don’t feel like the work itself is worthy, because we’re afraid to start, because we’re afraid to continue, because we’re afraid to end the project, because we’ve been told that reading and creative writing are simply further proof that we are lazy. And we hate that term. We hate that label with every fiber of our being.

Being called lazy hurts. It implies that we’re weak or morally corrupt, or worth less than other people who work harder. Or who appear to work harder. I’m curious for you, if you identify as a procrastinator, or if you’ve ever been called lazy I want you to think about why. Really think about it. And I would love for you to share your own thoughts and experience with us in the comments for today’s episode.

This is episode 125, and you can find the show notes for this episode out at sarahwerner.com. That’s S-A-R-A-H W-E-R-N-E-R.com. You can navigate to this episode, scroll down to the bottom of the post and there you will see a comment section. I would love to hear your thoughts. This is such a heavy and complicated, and complex issue. But we’ve also been taught to leave it at the label. To dismiss people who we see as lazy or procrastinators.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my own, “Laziness.” And my own procrastination. And I’ve been trying to really, fully own these identities while also challenging them and experimenting with how I can actually be more of the person who I want to be. And something I’ve found for me, that has actually worked, and it’s taken time. This is not something that you snap your fingers and overnight you’re changed, and you’re a different person, and you’re suddenly able to write everything all the time.

This is not an easy solution, but I’ve really worked hard to set boundaries and respect them, and to start respecting my own work, and to start valuing my own creative work. And to establish habits. Yes, even though I am the kind of person who hates routine. I have given myself permission to prioritize my creative projects, and I have blocked off every day, my calendar first thing for three hours Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday first thing before I take care of finances, before I check my email, before I even think about getting on to social media, I’ve been building the habit of getting out of bed, turning on my coffee maker, feeding the cats, bringing my coffee into my office, sitting down and giving myself permission to eat my dessert first.

Giving myself permission to work on Girl In Space, to work on my current creative project, because I’ve also given myself space afterward, I’ve blocked off time on my schedule for exercise, and I’ve blocked off time on my schedule for the email and the social media, and all of that other stuff that I used to do first thing. To earn my creative writing session, which I’m also trying to remind myself that I don’t need to do.

Again, I would love to hear about your own experience with procrastination and laziness. Again, I would love to see you share those thoughts out at sarahwerner.com. And I would also like to encourage you to pick up the book Laziness Does Not Exist by Devon Price Ph.D., it has been just really great food for thought lately.

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And with that this has been episode 125 of the Write Now Podcast. The podcast that helps all writers, aspiring, professional and otherwise to find the time, energy and courage you need to pursue your passion and write. I’m Sarah Werner and I’m going to get to writing.