In last Wednesday’s create-along, we ended up having a fantastic conversation about our need for external validation. I’m talking about constantly refreshing your download statistics after posting a new podcast episode to your RSS feed, compulsively checking your Instagram post for likes every three or four minutes, etc.
We’re searching — sometimes obsessively — for validation, for proof that what we’re doing is GOOD, or meaningful, or important. We’re searching for that hit of dopamine that floods our brains when we get a positive review, a like, a book sale, or a retweet. We crave the feeling of being seen and heard and known.
And this is not a bad thing — even though many of us are taught from a very early age that it is. Many of us have been taught that we need to be humble and modest and not raise our hands in class, even if we know the answer. Many of us were taught that seeking validation is the opposite of humbleness and meekness — that it’s the vain glorification of the self over others.
But aren’t we glorious? And aren’t we making glorious things? I think we are. We as humans have sentience and empathy, and we experience hope, love, and dreams, and we have deep and complex spirits. I think that makes us incredible forces of nature.
In that vein, I also want us to feel 100% completely valid, meaningful, and worthy in and of ourselves. In other words, I don’t want our self-worth to hinge on what someone else thinks or says about us — or fails to say. I don’t want us to crumple or wither (or worse, stop creating entirely) if we don’t receive the external validation we crave.
I feel like, as with all things, there is some sort of balance to be struck between self-confidence and healthy validation from a loving and caring community — that is to say, between internal and external validation. But I wonder — how do we even begin to find it?
Words & warmth,
Sarah
I have been struggling with this for a couple of years professionally and it has crippled me in a lot of ways. I no longer feel validated by my organization for the work I do and it has – at various times over the course of two years – made me feel a lack of confidence, unworthy of promotions, and a loss of identity. I am actually working with an executive coach on it now because, originally, I wanted her to tell me how to rid myself of the need for external validation.
What I have found in my first few sessions with her is part of the problem is I am not owning my talents. I am, as you describe here, being meek about my good ideas and my talent because I think to bring attention to them or demand credit for them makes me boastful, not a team player, etc.
I don’t have the answers and do work in a toxic environment so putting some of these things into practice might not make a difference; however, what I have learned from her is it’s OK to ask for acknowledgement and feedback. It’s human to want to be acknowledged for hard work and to know people are paying attention. What she encouraged me to do is seek validation in ways that feel authentic to me. Basically don’t bend yourself to please others at the expense of your integrity and authenticity.
Thanks for sharing and opening up for discussion!
Krystina, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. Ooof… I’ve been in a very similar situation at work and I’m so glad you’re working with a coach on it. And I love your coach’s response… I’m going to think about how I can apply that to my life as well. Thank you again! — Sarah