Years ago, I attended a community empowerment event for women, where the overall message was, “Say yes to absolutely every opportunity.
Shonda Rhimes’ book Year Of Yes had just come out, and it was a popular, liberating, and — for many people, especially women who had spent lifetimes practicing self-denial — life-changing message. Perhaps it was (or is) exactly what you need(ed) to hear.
But… my problem wasn’t saying “yes”. As a life-long people pleaser, and someone with both miles-high ambition and severe FOMO (fear of missing out), my problem was that I was addicted to saying “yes”.
Saying “yes” felt good. Saying “yes” reminded me that I was in control of my life and my destiny. And I loved seeing people’s faces light up when I agreed to volunteer at their event, audit their website, speak for free, help their niece find a new job, pick them up from the airport, help them move, etc.
Today, I know that that good feeling was just my ego inflating — the effects of flattery. Today, I know the dangers of overcommitting and overextending myself. I have felt the effects of burnout, overgiving, and pushing too far past my limits. And if you haven’t, please trust me — it’s awful.
I hate the thought that we are limited beings, bound by physical bodies that require rest and sustenance. I hate that there are only 24 hours in a day.
But… we are limited beings, and there are only 24 hours in a day. And being in control of our life and destiny means understanding those limits — and making the wisest decisions possible within that understanding.
We can say “yes” to everything — to a point. Past that point lies overcommitment, and the realization that we are giving three talks in one week (and not getting paid for any of them), or that we’re scheduled for a phone interview, a charity volleyball game, and a brain-picking session all at 3:00 p.m. on the same Friday afternoon.
We can say “yes” to things that are good for us, things that are less-good for us, and things that are downright bad for us. That’s our choice, and our freedom. But… we can say only say “yes” to a limited number of things, until our “yes”es (and their accompanying commitments) outweigh our time and/or energy. We can say “yes” until our default response must be “no”.
This is what I didn’t understand until I was in the thick of it — that, due to limitations of time and space and energy, we have a limited number of “yes”es. And at some point, every “yes” to one thing means “no” to something else. That is to say, we have to make a choice — often between two equally good opportunities.
Do I fly to San Francisco for my cousin’s wedding, or do I attend the writing retreat I’ve been invited to that same weekend? I can say “yes” to either, but I can say “yes” to only one.
In other words, while we can’t do everything, we can do anything. “Anything” just comes with a choice, and the understanding that saying “yes” to one thing often means saying “no” to something else.
We’ll talk about prioritizing and discerning how to spend your “yes”es in the next email. But for now, I want you to consider: Have you taken the advice of saying “yes” to every opportunity — and why? Are you approaching burnout? Are you overgiving? Are you overextending yourself? And is it time to start saying “no”?