This is The Write Now Podcast with Sarah Werner, Episode 38: Give Yourself Some Grace.

Welcome to Write Now, the podcast that helps aspiring writers to find the time, energy and courage you need, to pursue your passion and to write every day. I am your host Sarah Werner. And it’s really nice outside for once. Some of you may know that I live in North America. Not as far North as Canada, but I do live fairly far North. And where I live it is not usually very nice outside. And so today is one of those days where it is 60 degrees outside. And so all the kids are outside in shorts and t-shirts. And they are of course making a tremendous racket as I’m trying to record this episode. So if you hear thumping and bumping and screaming, it is because across the street from my house where my podcast studio is located, some kids have built a bike ramp/skateboard ramp in the driveway. And there must be 6 billion kids over there. And they’re all screaming and going down this ramp and making delightful, joyful noises.

In any other context I would be just delighted to hear the sounds of children’s laughter. But while I’m trying to record it’s like, “Can you guys go inside and play video games?” I’m the worst person on the planet. The reason I wanted to let you know this is that if you hear bumping and thumping and screaming, I’m not keeping like hostages in my basement or anything. It’s the kids across the street and their homemade bike/skateboard ramp thing. So maybe in another sense I’m not the worst person in the world. So today we’re going to be talking about grace. And I’m not talking about you if your name is Grace. I mean this applies to you, but grace is more than just a name. It is a really difficult and loaded but necessary concept in our lives as humans. And so when we talk about grace I’m not talking about Grace Kelly, or Grace Paley, or Grace Helbig, or you if your name happens to be Grace. I’m talking about something else entirely.

But before I start blathering on in my usual style, I want to share something with you. I received a really lovely review on iTunes from podcast listener Pink Lady Gala and it says, “Love this podcast. Five stars. Really enjoy listening to Sarah’s podcast. Whether she’s flying solo or interviewing a guest. I found her podcast extremely encouraging. She has a very gentle voice and good sense of humor. And covers topics such as how to start a writers group, how to carve out time in a busy schedule for writing, and how to stay motivated as a writer.” Thank you so much for your review. They mean a lot to me. They help popularize my podcast. And to be frank with you they help push it up in the rankings. And just help me to grow my audience which is awesome. So if you haven’t done so you can go out to iTunes or Stitcher or Spreaker or whatever it is you use to listen to podcasts, but especially iTunes. And leave a five star written review for the Write Now podcast.

If you don’t feel like doing that or if you already have done that, you can also subscribe to my podcast. This is also incredibly helpful actually. So with whatever podcatching app you use, and again especially iTunes. If you would go to iTunes, search for the Write Now podcast and click the little subscribe button beneath the image, that would just be really really lovely. So I have a deep dark secret. And as many deep dark secrets go it’s not something I’m especially proud of. It’s not something that I can secretly turn in my favor in a job interview. And it’s not something that I can turn into a humble brag on Twitter. It’s not like I’m Batman, because I’m not Batman. I know you thought that I probably was but I’m not. My deep dark secret is that sometimes I don’t like myself very much.

There’s not really a reason. I mean not one giant solid reason why I don’t like myself all the time. I haven’t murdered anyone. I haven’t released any sort of deadly pathogen to the environment. I mean while I’m not Batman I’m certainly not a super villain. This is just one of those things where I’m never really a hundred percent happy with who I am. Maybe you can relate to this. But I feel like there’s always something missing from my life. And not even from my life but from myself. There’s always that sense of, “I’m never blank enough,” and fill in the blank. I’m never thin enough. I don’t exercise enough. I don’t eat healthy enough. I don’t clean my house enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not tall enough. I’m not dedicated enough. I’m not patient enough. I’m not driven enough. I’m not motivated enough. I’m not myself enough.

I’m not wealthy enough. I don’t write enough. I feel like I can never live up to my own standards. I feel like I can live up to other people’s standards. But for me I can never quite get there. We tend to be hard on ourselves especially if we are perfectionists or standards for ourselves are high. Maybe a little too high. A couple of years ago I took a leadership seminar. The theme of this seminar was goal setting and goal achieving. And essentially the seminar said that, “Okay, there’s X number of hours in a week. And you’re responsible for making each one of those hours count. And making each one of those hours work toward your goals.” And the whole gist of this seminar was that if you can do this you will be fulfilled. You will finally live up to your own standards. You will feel satisfied with yourself and that you’ve achieved what you wanted, exactly what you wanted.

So I said, “Awesome. That sounds really nice. I want to live up to my potential. I want to be all that I can be.” But then I actually started doing it. And that’s when everything started to break down. You see, I started defining my self worth by the goals that I was able to accomplish. And I got sort of caught up in this frenzy of accomplishing goals and then setting more and more goals. Searching for this feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction that I never really got. I had a sense of accomplishment. But I realized that just because I had done something didn’t mean that I felt I was worth anything. So in search of that fulfillment or satisfaction or that sense of finally having lived up to my own standards, I kept packing on more and more goals to accomplish. And I started to see my days a little bit differently.

I started to see each hour a little bit differently. Any time that was not spent toward achieving a goal began to feel like a waste of time. I began to scoff at the idea of relaxing. I started to think, “So I could spend 45 minutes to an hour watching an episode of Scandal on Netflix. Or I could use that 45 minutes to an hour to attempt to accomplish another goal.” Well obviously what’s a better use of my time? And I was so hungry for a sense of fulfillment that I stopped seeing any value in relaxing or enjoying my life. Perhaps obviously this is a problem. This is not a good way to think. This is not a healthy way to think. But it’s where I was. And kind of where I still am. I’m fighting through this. I’m not blaming the leadership program. In fact I think it’s really good and really useful for a lot of people.

It’s great for people who want to accomplish goals, and you know otherwise have difficulty being motivated to do so. But I think I was already maybe a little too motivated to do something like this. So currently I’m working on being able to sit and relax and do something of very little accomplishment without feeling guilty. That might even just be another topic for a whole nother podcast episode entirely. But what I want to go back to is that sense of not feeling like you’re enough. That feeling of chasing fulfillment. That feeling of being hungry for more and not knowing how to satisfy that hunger. I was chasing something and I think I still am. And at that time I thought it was success. Because of course the fulfillment that you’re supposed to get out of setting and accomplishing goals. That sense of fulfillment, that’s supposed to be success. But I found success.

And to be honest I hope this doesn’t make me sound like a jerk or a snob or anything. But when I found that sense of success it wasn’t what I thought it would be. It wasn’t satisfying. I was still the same person. I had just done something that appeared successful. But I was still me and I was still frustrated with myself because I still wasn’t thin enough or rich enough, or well rich at all, or smart enough. I still can’t run. I have a fused spine. I’ve talked about this in previous episodes. I can’t run. I’ll never be exactly the person who I want to be. That’s just human limitation. I can be some of the things that I want to be. I can be a very good writer. I can be a podcaster. I can be successful in my career. But I am never going to run a marathon.

I can maybe walk a marathon. I can ride my bike. I don’t watch a lot of TV, but I saw a commercial the other day for Weight Watchers. And in the commercial was Oprah, Oprah Winfrey. Who is this amazing, beautiful, well-spoken, wealthy, intelligent, successful woman. And she was telling us, she was telling the viewers, the audience, that she wasn’t satisfied with her life because she wasn’t thin enough. That gave me a very healthy dose of perspective to be honest. I’m going to bet that you know who Oprah is. And even if you don’t I’m going to bet that you’ve heard the name at least once in your life. She is a household name. She’s a powerhouse. But she still doesn’t feel like she’s enough. So what are we looking for? What does it mean to us to be enough? What do we think that’s going to feel like to be enough. If I’m finally thin enough and smart enough and pretty enough, and rich enough and well-read enough, and successful enough as a writer, what does that look like?

What are we chasing after? What does a person who’s enough look like? The funny thing is I don’t know. Because I’m not chasing the sense of enough with a goal in mind. I’m chasing it with an emptiness in mind. Like I’m running towards something even though hilariously enough I can’t physically run. But figuratively I’m running toward this thing. I don’t even know what it looks like. I just hope. I think we’re all just hoping that we can become these perfect immaculate beings. But here’s the thing. I don’t know if we can. And here’s the other thing. I don’t think that’s necessarily bad. I think that it’s not just that we want to be enough in and of itself.

I think we want to be enough in order for something else to happen. I think that we are looking for ways to earn love. I think that if we think, “Oh, if I’m thin enough they’ll finally love me. Or if I’m a good enough writer I’ll finally be loved.” Maybe it’s just me. Maybe that’s not your experience. But I think for me that’s exactly what I’m chasing.

So I want to tell you a story. One of my absolute favorite parts of every single workday is lunchtime. This is one of the reasons that I will never be thin enough. So I love food. I love to eat. And even more than that, I love it when I’m able to have lunch with a friend. This is when I can get away from my desk and just exist with another person who cares about me and whom I care about. And we can talk about our day. We can talk about work. We can talk about life. We can talk about puppies. We can just sit and eat good food in companionable silence and do not even care. And so I do lunch with people a couple of times a week. And I’m an introvert so these do tire me out. But I’m kind of a masochistic introvert. And that I know that lunches with people drain me but I still love them. I love it. I love people. And I love hearing their stories. I love when people are willing to sit down and share their story with me.

So I had scheduled lunch with a woman who I really look up to. And I was really nervous about impressing her and making a good impression. And the day before we were supposed to have lunch, I get one of those emails that notifies you that there’s something new that someone has scheduled you for on your calendar. I had been scheduled for an offsite client meeting right over the lunch hour on the day that I was supposed to go to lunch with this woman whose name is Jessica. And I was like, “Oh, that’s the day before. I’m going to look like such a flake if I cancel. I’m the one who wanted this. I’m the one who set it up. Oh, what am I going to do?”

In retrospect you know it’s not like, “Oh, I have to choose between saving Harvey Dent or…” I’m drawing a blank on the name of the girl in Batman. See this is another reason that I’m not Batman. So it’s not like a life or death situation that I’m dealing with. But I still had the potential to hurt someone else’s feelings or ruin someone else’s plans, or even affect my own reputation as someone with integrity and someone who does what they say they’re going to do. So finally the truth won out because the truth always wins. And so I sent her a message and I said, “Gosh! I’m so sorry to do this to you but I need to cancel. I feel like a jerk. I would love to reschedule. I know that you took time out of your day, blah, blah, blah.”

And I sent her the message and I was like, “Oh, she’s going to think I’m this awful troll. And that I’m irresponsible and I don’t know how to schedule my life even though that’s kind of true.” But you know what I got back. I don’t even really know her that well but she just sent me back the loveliest thing. She said, “My dear Sarah, I totally understand that life happens sometimes. I would still love to have lunch with you. Let’s go ahead and reschedule. I look forward to sitting with you.” And then she said, “I wish you grace and peace and love.” And she signed it Jessica. I felt like the knot in my stomach had become untwisted and I could breathe again. And I reread her note a couple of times. And what really stuck out to me was the word grace. Because again unless your name is Grace, it’s not really a word that’s used a whole lot in our language.

When I greet someone I don’t say, “Oh stranger, grace to you this day.” Because I would sound like a weirdo. But also it’s just not part of our everyday speech. Part of me thinks that this is because the word grace is a really loaded term. We can say that someone is graceful, which means that they move with a certain fluidity and a certain delicacy. We can say that someone is gracious when they open their home to us or give us a gift. I think it’s a very powerful word because we don’t use it a whole lot. We reserve it. But in Jessica’s note she used it. She wished me grace. More than that she extended to me grace with her words. Grace in the sense that I’m using it is a noun. And I think that it encompasses a basic understanding that no human being is or can be perfect.

I think that underlying the concept of grace, I’m going to say it again, is the basic understanding that no human being is or can be perfect. The word grace is often linked with the word favor. And not like, “Hey, do me a favor.” More like getting someone’s approval or preference. But the thing about grace is that it is getting that favor without merit. Without having earned it. That’s what grace is. It’s getting someone’s favor, approval, preference without having earned it. Because that person who’s extending grace to you, has a true understanding that no human being is or can be perfect. Here’s what I think. I think that grace is made up of a lot of really good things. Grace is kind of like a cake that is made up of equal parts of forgiveness and love and understanding and patience and healing.

I think that grace is exactly what we need to combat the fear and anxiety and doubt and hatred and cruelty. As I mentioned before I live in North America and we have a capitalist society. And there’s nothing wrong with capitalism. It works perfectly well. But there’s a sense of anything that you get must be earned. And so I think that we have a real problem accepting something that we haven’t earned. I did absolutely nothing to earn Jessica’s pardon. And in fact I very likely wasted her time. And that she responded with love and kindness and grace. Completely unearned. The interesting thing that I discovered with my little bout of grace was how much I wanted to pass it on once I had received it.

Once Jessica showed me that grace I felt so relieved. I felt absolved. I felt forgiven. It was a marvelous marvelous feeling. I don’t know if it was irony or coincidence. But the very next week someone who had invited me to lunch sent me a note and said, “I’m so sorry to be a flake but I have to cancel. Something’s come up.” And I thought of Jessica. And so I respond to this person, “My dear friend, you do exactly what you need to do. Do not worry about me. I hope everything is all right. Grace and love and peace to you.” I’m fully aware that this stuff is kind of cheesy. I know that like I could break out in Burt Bacharach’s What the World Needs Now Is Love. Sweet love. I realized that. But at the same time this is the sort of stuff that changes lives incrementally but crucially.

We are so hard on ourselves. We never think that we’re smart enough or good enough writers, or well-read enough, or well-spoken enough, or well-dressed enough. So I want to ask you, “What would it look like if you gave yourself some grace? What would it look like if you gave yourself some grace in your writing?” I’m not talking about cutting yourself some slack. And I’m not talking about giving yourself the benefit of the doubt. Those are different things. I’m not talking about taking 10 weeks off of writing to go binge Netflix. Even though if that’s what you needed to do, then that would be okay. Grace is forgiveness and love and understanding and patience and healing. It’s favor that is not earned. And I think it’s the antidote to all of those things that stop you from writing. Fear, anxiety, doubt, hatred, despair. What would your writing look like without all of those things?

At the end of the day I think that grace brings us freedom. Freedom to be ourselves and freedom from having to be enough. Having to keep chasing enough. Having to keep chasing love. Because if this is something that we are freely given, if this is something we don’t have to earn, if we are unconditionally loved, then I think what that means is that we’re already enough. We are enough. You are enough. I am enough. You don’t need to earn anyone’s love. You already have it. You are loved. You are important. You matter. Your story matters. And when you find the courage to give yourself some grace, I think that you’ll find the freedom in which to tell your story. If you have trouble finding grace of your own, I extend it to you. You have grace. Maybe I’ll even greet you like some kind of weirdo from the Renaissance times. “Oh stranger. Grace be with you this day.” I love being a weirdo

This week’s book of the week is The Raven Boys by Maggie Stiefvater. Stiefvater. Stiefvater. I am not sure how to pronounce her last name. Stiefvater? I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s German. Technically my last name is supposed to be a pronounced Werner, but you know whoever gets that right. The Raven Boys is the first book in The Raven Cycle. It is a young adult paranormal mystery/romance/adventure. It is the story of Blue Sargent who comes from a long line of clairvoyant women, but she herself has no powers. Which I kind of liked. It was twist on the sort of chosen one. She’s like kind of the anti-chosen one, which I appreciate. Or at least she is so far. Maybe she will become the chosen one in future books in this series. But Blue is our main character and sort of opposing her character because the story is told in alternating chapters.

Blue has a chapter and then one of the Raven Boys has a chapter. And the Raven Boys are a group of largely wealthy high school boys who attend a very prestigious prep school. There’s four or five boys and each one of them has a story. They’re kind of like this outcast group. And of course they’re madly wealthy. And so none of their parents are ever around or care about them. It’s one of those things. When I was in high school I had to be home by eight o’clock at night or my parents would go on a murdering spree. I don’t know. Kids in YA books their parents are kind of nonexistent. Which makes for more interesting stories because they can go out and have adventures in the middle of the night in graveyards and all that sort of stuff.

But I digress. The Raven Boys are called the Raven Boys because of the school they attend. But also maybe because of something else [inaudible 00:25:15]. This is an interesting book to me because it simultaneously followed and sort of diverged from what I’ve come to expect in a young adult paranormal romance/mystery/adventure. There were some expected things in this book which I enjoyed. The first of those was the relationship among the Raven Boys. They acted like family which was really cool. They each had very complex relationships with each other. It’s very difficult to do ensemble casts well. Because not only are you playing one character off of another character, but you’re playing one character off another character. And then that character is played off another character and there’s two different dynamics going on there. Maggie Stiefvater does it very very well.

The characters are rich and complex and each one has an arc of sorts. I might catch some flack for saying this but I almost kind of just wanted to read a book about them and their relationships. And it’s hard for me to say that because I really love books with strong female protagonists, especially when they’re aimed at young adults. But I felt like the character of Blue was… Even though she was one of the main narrators, she was active and she had motivation and she had things that she wanted to do and accomplish. But I felt like she was just outside of the story. I didn’t feel like she was necessary to the story. I think that these four boys could have gone on this adventure without her. And it could have still been a very rich and compelling story. But that’s just me. And if you’ve read it, if you have differing opinions please let me know.

The other thing that I really appreciated about this book was how earnest the characters were. I tend to think of oh kids these days being really cynical and angry. Like they make fun of everything they come across. And really the kids in this book they deeply cared about each other and they deeply cared about this quest that they were on. And I really appreciated that. It was just this really lovely earnest sense of love and calling that these high school students were dealing with. And so I thought that was a really unique perspective. I think there’s at least a couple more books in this series. I don’t know if I’m going to read them just because my book list is ridiculous. And if you’ve been following me on Goodreads, I have been working on Leviathan Wakes by James S. A. Corey for like four months now.

And eventually it will be the book of the week when I finish it. But yeah. It was well-written. It was fun. It kept me entertained. I think I even stayed up a couple nights reading it. It was pretty engrossing. She’s a very talented writer. So check it out. The Raven Boys, Maggie Stiefvater. I don’t know why I’m having so much trouble with that. I want to pronounce it correctly. But I don’t know what’s correct.

As usual there are several people that I want to thank for helping make this episode possible. First and foremost I’d like to thank my Patreon supporters. Patreon is a secure third party donation platform where each patron pledges X amount of money for each podcast episode I produce. The money then goes to help cover hosting costs and other costs associated with podcasting. With that in mind I would like to thank Official CoolCat Sean Locke, Official Bookworms Matt Paulsen and Rebecca Werner and Official Raddude Andrew Coons. You all do so much to help me keep producing this podcast which helps inspire other writers to keep writing. So thank you so much.

I would also like to thank Phantom Sway. Phantom Sway is a sort of artist collective. It’s sort of a counter cultural collective of artists I want to say. That has sort of an online presence. And in over the last many many months they have been curating and featuring episodes of the Write Now podcast on their website. And so thank you to the entire crew at Phantom Sway. You can find them at phantomsway.com, P-H-A-N-T-O-M-S-W-A-Y.com. You can also like them on Facebook, follow them on Twitter. They’re just really cool people, so thank you. I would also like to thank Jessica for extending grace to me. As well as all of the other lovely and wonderful people in my life who have extended grace to me. If you’ve experienced grace in your life, I would love to hear about it.

I would also love to hear about whether or not you think it’s possible to give yourself some grace, and how you plan to do that. Or if you have any questions I’d love to take those as well. You can get in touch with me by emailing hello@sarahwerner.com, or you can also go to my website sarahwerner.com. That’s S-A-R-A-H-W-E-R-N-E-R.com, and navigate over to my contact page. On my contact page you will find a handy little form that you can fill out and use to send me a message. You can also comment on the show notes for today’s episode, episode number 38. My friends, I think the world of you. And I hope that as you go through your week you are able to give yourself some grace. I want you to remember that no matter what, no matter what you might think of yourself, you are enough.

In fact I want you to say it. “I am enough.” It’s really empowering to say. It’s amazing to know that you are free to move on, without the fear or the need of having to earn anyone’s love or admiration, because you’re enough. You are a whole person and you have what it takes. And with that, this has been the Write Now podcast. The podcast that helps aspiring writers to find the time, energy and courage you need, to pursue your passion and to write every day. I’m Sarah Werner, and I am enough.